Mr. Bush, who stands nearly 6 feet, usually has his annual checkups in the summer, but last summer's was postponed until Dec. 11 because of the campaign. In December, he weighed 199.6 pounds, 8 more than the 191.6 recorded yesterday.

Mr. Bush's weight has fluctuated since he moved into the White House. He weighed 194.5 pounds in June 2000, before he became president, then dropped to 189 in 2001 and 2002. From Aug. 4, 2002 to Dec. 11, 2004, he gained 10.6 pounds, some of which his doctors attributed to increased muscle mass from exercise.

After his last physical, Mr. Bush said he wanted to lose weight because he had eaten too many doughnuts in the campaign. His body fat is 15.79 percent, down from 18.25 in December.

His resting heart rate is 47 beats a minute, normal for a well-trained athlete, and his blood pressure is normal, 110 over 64. When Mr. Bush ran for 26 minutes and 20 seconds, his heart rate reached 183 beats a minute, showing no abnormalities. Tests showed a low to very low risk of coronary artery disease.

Don't worry about civilian casualties, just blow the hell out of the zombies.

Trying to quit smoking and failing miserably? Throw out those nicotine patches and step up to the bar and ask for a NicoShot, the world's first smoking-cessation beer containing a shot of natural nicotine. Each NicoShot beer has the nicotine equivalent of a couple of regular filtered cigarettes and for most smokers, three cans of NicoShot is comparable to an entire pack of conventional cigarettes. The best part will be when you get a NicoShot hangover the next morning and decide to make coffee with that other great fusion, caffeinated water.

Dear Vagina,

I masturbate, fuck (quite a bit), and I have the kind of sexual history that people write books about. Shit, you know this. But I've been feeling inadequate. I know this isn't your fault. You can't open a dialogue about this problem. I mean, when you turn red and itchy, I know you're telling me something, but you can't actually talk.

Newton: Haaaaaang on a minute. If I'’ve got gravity holding shit together, I don'’t need Aristotle's crystal balls. This means that the stars might be, like, really far away. And, like, go on for ever.

Newton's flatmate: WTF d00d, stay off the wild mushrooms!

Newton: But, right, if they go on forever, then my shiny gravity means that the Universe will collapse under its own weight.

Newton's flatmate: Seriously, Isaac, no more opium on your cornflakes.

First off, I have absolute proof that video games are not the cause of this epidemic of youth violence in America. No, really, I do. Ready?

There is no epidemic of youth violence in America.

The whole concept is a lie manufactured, distributed and perpetuated by the media. Kids are not killing each other more frequently than they used to. In fact, it turns out the opposite is true.

[MB] You recently founded the Guns & Dope Party to combat the excesses of Tsarism. What are some of the central tenets of your party's platform?

[RAW] Guns for those who want them; no guns forced on those who don't want them [Quakers, Amish, pacifists in general etc.]

Drugs for those who want them; no drugs forced on those who don't want them [Christian Scientists, herbalists, homeopaths etc]

Bipedal unity -- equal rights for ostriches

Voluntary taxation: you pay for government programs you want; you don't pay a penny for any programs you don't want.